My Dear Wormwood,
You mentioned in the last letter that your young patient now refers to himself as a Christian. Upon the initial hearing of this news I was greatly distressed, but upon further reflection I have come to the conclusion that this is precisely where we can do our greatest and most subtle workings yet. Christianity in the West is conveniently comfortable as of late, and we desire it remain so—as long as true worship and sacrificial devotion continue to diminish.
The Enemy calls for His spiritual children to raise their physical children by training them to become servants for Him. Exactly why one desires to study, sweat, and strain to arrive at the post of slavery is a thing most peculiar to us here, and our researchers are still in the process of making this silly idea more comprehendible so we can more easily defeat it. There is no progress yet, but I will keep you informed.
Now I shall discuss with you the simple strategy to claim our young patient. We shall do this only: Make him study, sweat, and strain so he will perceive himself as relevant. When we successfully preoccupy him with this goal, we have won our man. The Enemy desires that he prepare to humbly serve Him in whatever place for however long, and even for little or no visible results. But we desire our man to seek relevancy above all else—above allegiance to the Enemy, above humble service, above patient endurance, and, most of all, above love for others.
We desire that he considers himself as adequate, sufficient, and even “fine” (which is a word used to falsely answer a question asked by an uninterested person in an uncaring manner. We have indeed greatly succeeded in making honesty an option rather than a command!). For once our man views himself as fine, he has become in a word—relevant. If he sees himself as relevant to the current flow of what these westerners call Christianity, he is one step further from the Enemy’s call to humble and nameless service, and one step closer to our gates. But how is this done? How can you persuade the patient to seek relevance rather than service?
You must have him compare himself with others. We are happy to have many good chaps walking and talking around as is possible. Our fear is the godly chaps, which, to our delight, are becoming fewer and fewer these days—no doubt because of our fine work. Preoccupy the patient with restless concern in regards to what other people think about him. Whatever governs his thoughts will govern his actions, and we shall win a great victory if he is always concerned with what other good chaps think about him. This manifests’ itself in multiple ways, and here are some tastefully successful techniques.
Materialism is our best tool, and flattery its twin. Get your man more concerned with his outward appearance than his inward depravity, and encourage the tempters of his companions to have their patients heap compliments upon this outward appearance, while demonstrating no concern whatsoever for his heart condition. It is an amazing thing in this century—We have made these mortal men more concerned about their own waistlines and tan-lines than the needy and immortal souls of others. What sweetness! Once our man is relevant in body and dress, he shall view his whole person as such, and shall even disdain from the company of those who are not relevant in this way.
This comparing leads to pride—Oh wonderful word—which again leads them to think of themselves as fine and even better than others. Countless good chaps are striving diligently for relevance, all the while neglecting the needs of their fellows. Make it a point to get your man proud of his spiritual advancement in his religious circles. Pride is our friend, and how great it is to get him proud of his humility. When he satisfactorily sees himself as relevant and indispensable, he forgets his dependence on the Enemy. Also, get your man proud of his athletic achievement. So many consider athletics to be a stage for personal gain and recognition while the Enemy desires them to give Him glory. Convince your man that he is to be praised for his athleticism, especially by the young ladies we have convinced that athletic men are more desirable than godly men.
In closing, I would like to inform you about one of the latest techniques to make our man relevant. It is a most peculiar word too. The patients call it a blog. The word itself describes the effect. Oh, the scores of good chaps there are seeking and striving to be relevant in this way. They think their few days in modern seminaries more valuable than years of ministry experience by true children of the Enemy, and they seek to write and write so others may see their academic prowess and give note to their scholarliness. The patients are so fearful that the other good chaps may forget their insightful perspective. The wealth of division on the Internet of these good chaps espousing their views on the “good” Book is a merry sight indeed. Pressure your man to be relevant in this arena, and he will lose all concern whatsoever for the real ministry and even for the children of his next door neighbor —who really are looking to him as an example.
Please keep on the prowl like our leader, and inform me when possible how these strategies are working. I eagerly look forward to advising you further about your young American patient.
Your affectionate uncle,